Day Two. Tintagel to Exford

Today I met 'the unspeakable hill'. It probably has a name; I don't care what it is. It looks like this;


And I never want to see it again. It just went on forever. Straight as a Roman road, it climbed so much I expected an Andean pan pipe band to appear. It certainly felt cold enough that high up.

Its been a day of climbs; over two thousand, two hundred metres. And it didn't start well, rain on the window at six am at the beautifully located Tintagel YHA...(below)

Still, at least the rain moved on by 10.00 ish.

Steve continued his infuriating behaviour as he waits for me to labour up hills, today is was cycling from one side of the road to the other, singing 'the long and winding road' by The Beatles'. You can go off people.

The second long 6 hour + day in the saddle and the Chamois cream began to earn its weight in my luggage.

Chamois cream is very close to my heart, or more prosaically another part of my anatomy.

Some of you might be familiar with the magical qualities of chamois cream, but for those who are not, let me explain.

First of all, to understand chamois cream you have to understand cycling shorts, because you shouldn’t really use one with the other. (Remember, chamois ream is to cycling shorts what mango chutney is to biriyanni yani – one complements the other).

You may already own a pair of cycling shorts (or indeed many pairs) and if you do, you have my express permission to skip this paragraph. But if you don’t, a few basics to get you started.

Cycling shorts are not just shorts you use for cycling; they are specially designed to ease your day in the saddle. They have padded inserts sewn into the sitting bit. Originally, this insert was made of from proper Chamois...your own little slice of goat sewn neatly into your shorts. But these days, the insert is made from a range of synthetic materials whose complex and confusing names could just as well be found on the side of paint pots or pot noodles.

Whatever this mini-cushion is made of, the principle is the same; to insulate your backside from the rigours of the saddle. Saddle sores are the curse of cycling and whatever you can do to avoid them – do it.

Having said that, some of the cures of the past sound pretty unlikely and wouldn’t be something I’d recommend.

Legend has it that Tour de France competitors in the pre-war years – before chamois was the material of choice, and before had even been invented – used to pop a raw steak into their woollen shorts. For the next 8 – 14 hours, a process of intimate tenderisation would occur. (better for a steak to develop a blister, than for your more intimate bits) . At the end of the day, the now perfectly tenderised steak would be garnished with a little black pepper, pan fried, au point, and consumed with a little chablis. Good for the heart apparently. If the riders worked in teams, I’m assuming they kept a close eye on whose steak was whose.

Thankfully these days, no need to whack a bit of silverside down your shorts.

As they already have the padding in place when you buy them.

Getting into a pair of these shorts for the first time is not something to be done with an audience. Wearing such shorts for the first time is a curious experience, as if you’ve inserted a baby’s nappy into the most intimate area of your shorts. These shorts also have a high waist line – approaching your nipples….(there is nothing worse than following another cyclist with low slung cycling shorts. In the very worst cases that still scar my memory the revealed crease was so exposed that if he’d stopped, you could have parked your bike between his buns). I digress.

Cycle shorts usually have built in braces, so that once on, you hook the braces over your shoulders, which ensures no chilly bits poke out, but whatever style you have, the key thing is, they cut down on saddle sores and all the other sorry collection of aliments that can traumatise a part of your anatomy that usually gives you next to no trouble,

Of course, there are cycling shorts and then there are cycling shorts. You get what you pay for. I insist upon the best. Swiss made, Assos shorts (yes, I’ve spelt that correctly) the rolls royce of bun huggers. They have turquoise insert which is rather attractive, but naturally, wasted on everyone but me. Crucially, they take away a lot of pain, but they still need Chamois cream.

The process goes like this. Get your shorts on, get the braces over your shoulders….and reach for the tub of chamois cream. It comes in a variety of hues…my personal favourite is a light blue colour (so that it matches the turquoise inner of my shorts - not that anyone other than me will ever know). Dip in three fingers or so, and get a generous glob of the stuff on your paw. Then hold open the shorts and apply liberally on your sitting bits. Unless you are doing something very wrong, that will be your perineum (that word again). Apply generously - now is not the time to scrimp. Brace yourself though, on cold mornings, the first touch of the chamois cream on the business bits can be a little arresting. Also, read the label carefully, some versions are tingly… …giving you a chemically cool sensation that can be a little startling if you aren’t expecting it. Some are minty – who’s going to be eating this stuff…and the gloves are now really off as manufactures compete with each other for unique selling points.

(Steve, my expedition comrade is currently experimenting with a chamois cream which he delightfully describes as having the aroma of lamb roast and mint sauce. I’ll just have to take his word for it, but I hope for the sake of readers of this blog he is attacked by a pack of dogs who missed their breakfast and who have a particular fine sense of smells. The results could be amusing. I’ll have my camera ready….)

Back to the chamois cream application process.

Make sure you get enough chamois cream on the first dip. There is no ‘double dipping’, definitely not if you are sharing a pot of the stuff.

The first few tentative steps you take after this operation can be distinctively disconcerting, as if you’ve been struck with incontinence. But let the cream ‘warm’ up and it’s not so bad. But saddle up and the chamois cream comes into its own. Like the perfect lubrication, the Castrol GTX of shorts, there is no chance of chaffing, rubbing, abrasions, or any of those equally eye-popping words.

A few words of warning. Once greased up – as a non-cycling friend of mine so charmingly refers to the process – and it is not advised to go the the loo. Inadvertent or over enthusiastic application beyond the reaches of your perineum can give the sensation of having just having had a mouth wash enema.

And that is it really – a small pot of cream for a long day of comfort.

I'll be getting through bucket loads of the stuff.